Tuesday, 15 May 2012

The British Expat in Germany - A Caricature

If you're asking me like that - yeah, course I miss Lowestoft, I mean who wouldn't. But Germany pays the bills - get my drift?

Mostly, I just speak English with them. But yeah, my German is pretty good
"Eynah Tassah Tay bittah!"

Talking of which - you can't get a decent cuppa here - not like home, like!

Germans have no sense of humour. None. I got this great act where I goose-step through the office, right arm stretched out. But nobody laughs. Ever. Dig that!

They don't have ticket barriers here on the underground. So - obviously you save a lot of money. If a ticket inspector comes round, I just play dumb and say I'm a British tourist. Works every time!

I do a bit of freelancing for the Guardian. Easy: Either I say "Eurozone- Only 10 days left", or I get the neighbour's kid to hold up a Hitler picture. They love it. Mind you, they don't pay.

The Germans don't have proper pubs. Nothing like Friday night in Lowestoft. The whole gang - Tyson, DavyB, Beamer, Vomit and me, yeah! Get the boys over here soon, that'll be fun!

German supermarkets are crap. All fruit 'n stuff. Nothing decent. Mushy peas? Forgeddit!Not even something as basic as spaghetti in a tin. I mean, that's everyday food. But no - zilch.

I'll qualify for unemployment benefit, yup - done my year's work soon. Can't wait! Get my tax back innit, only fair!

When I go back to Lowestoft, I go by train. Just hide in the loos, so they don't spot you. And then I've got them ferry vouchers from the Daily Mail. Cheaper than Ryan Air anytime!

They've got those honesty boxes here. What's that mean you ask. It means a free newspaper for me every day, that's what it means!

Everything's on time here. Trains, boss, colleagues. Me? Naah, I'm not so anal.

Going back? Are you insane, man?

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